H - Hard

Do the hard thing. Sometimes you know what you should do and you just need to do it. I believe in being easy on myself, and I’m certainly no martyr. I’m often guilty of not doing things I don’t feel like doing. Feelings are powerful, and believe me, I almost did a post on feelings. But sometimes you have to do the right thing, the hard thing, and wait for the feelings to catch up with you later.

 Take that little step. It could be as simple as shutting my mouth when I want to yell or returning a harsh word with a gentle one. (Or at least a neutral one.) Sticking with this challenge when I want to quit and see no benefit to plodding on, other than proving to myself that I can do it. It may be taking the opportunity to do a nice thing for your spouse even after they’ve been mean to you all day long. Even if it means gritting your teeth while you do it. Maybe it’s making that phone call to get the help you know you need. Or having a hard conversation you’ve been putting off. Sometimes it may mean walking away. Whatever it is, do it. Have the courage to do the hard thing. Regardless of the outcome or the opinions of others. Just do it. Make up your mind. And do it.

G - Gut Instinct

(This post is a continuation of the story for the letter F. Click the link on the right under Blog Archive to read that one.)

Twelve years later, Sandy remembered that night as if it were yesterday. What she’d called “little doubts” had proven to be big red warning signs. But she had been so happy, she hadn’t allowed herself to think too much about it. She had lived happily in a state of blissful ignorance. Besides, back then she wasn’t much for following her gut; she hadn’t yet learned to trust herself.

So she had gone through with the lovely wedding of her dreams as planned. At first, she was happy. The verbal abuse started so gradually, she really had barely noticed it. An insult here. Criticism there. He always apologized. At first. It had happened so infrequently that she hadn’t thought much of it. The first year of marriage was always hard, right? Getting adjusted to married life wasn’t always an easy transition. Tempers flared; she overreacted sometimes.

Then the yelling started. His temper got worse. She never knew what would set him off so she tried to stay out of his way when he was in one of his moods. Now after years of his verbal tirades, she was done. She didn’t even know how long she had wanted out. But she had come to a decision. She was leaving. She wasn’t trying any more. Sandy was calling a lawyer first thing in the morning. Was she doing the right thing? Even now, she wasn’t completely sure she could trust herself. After all of the put-downs, she wasn’t sure she could make it on her own.

She thought back to that night before her wedding. If she’d had the guts to do some soul-searching then, maybe she could have saved herself so much grief. But how could she have known what lay ahead of her? She had been happy and hadn’t wanted to blow what she thought was her chance at true love. Now, though, she had a chance to make a change. This time she was going to take care of herself.

F - Flowers

Sandy glanced around the small chapel at the burnt orange, burgundy and mauve flowers. Perfect. Finally. Her dream. Her fall wedding. Everything was done. The rehearsal was history. All she needed now was a good night’s sleep in preparation for her big day tomorrow. 

“So, are you all ready?” Kelly, one of her bridesmaids, had snuck up behind her.

“Yeah, I think so. I’m just getting ready to leave. Anyone else here or are we the last ones?” Sandy asked.

“Nope. I think we are it. So…any last-minute jitters? Cold feet?” Kelly knew how to cut to the chase when she wanted to.

Sandy sighed. “What does that mean?” Kelly asked.

“I’m happy. We love each other. What more can you ask for?”

“You…. didn’t really answer my question.”

Sandy laughed. “Well, it’s marriage. Nothing’s 100% guaranteed. No one goes into it with no doubts… surely?”

“Don’t ask me. I wouldn’t know. I was just curious,” Kelly put her hand on Sandy’s shoulder. “You know you can tell me anything.”

Sandy laughed again. “There’s nothing to worry about. It’ll be fine. I’ll be fine,” she said, admiring the flowers one more time before she turned out the lights in the chapel.

E - Enderman

I collaborated with my son Elias for today’s letter. He’s into all things Minecraft. If you’re like me and have no clue, Minecraft is a video game that middle school boys are obsessed with. I’ll admit it completely confuses me, but I’ve found that if I want to spend positive time with my son now that he’s a preteen, it helps to take an interest in what he’s into. Plus, I really needed a break from my other writing, so here I go…

What is an Enderman, you ask? It’s a creature in Minecraft that’s tall and black with purple glowing eyes. It’s neutral unless you provoke it. You can do this in several ways from what I understand. You can hit it - well, that would make me hostile too. You can also stare at its upper body. Once hostile, it’s tough to battle because it can teleport and apparently it loves to sneak up from behind and attack. Its home world is The End, it makes weird noises, and it’s vulnerable to water. Sunlight can turn it back to neutral. And if you put a pumpkin on your head, the Enderman will ignore you. Ok, that part is just weird. Anyway, that is my very uneducated Mom summary of an Enderman.

I was going to try to draw some parallel to people and how we become hostile when provoked or extract some other life lesson from it. But honestly, it’s a video game. And it’s late and I’m exhausted. Hopefully I at least enlightened some poor soul out there who knows as little as I do about the game. Or maybe I entertained you with my ramblings. Either way, I got an E post out of it, so I’m good.

D - Depend

I was working on a blog post about darkness for D, but frankly, it was… well dark. And I couldn’t really get it done the way I wanted. So I’ve been struggling to come up with an easier D word. Now I’ve got D words coming out the ying yang, so thanks A to Z. Most of them are rather depressing – demons, demonizing, death, doom and gloom, discipline, dysfunction, desperate, different, determined, dare. So the irony is that I could write about four or five D posts now.

Instead, I’ve decided to go in a more positive direction. My favorite verse  is “Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Do not depend on your own understanding.” (Proverbs 3:5)

Who or what do we depend on? I depend on my own understanding. A lot. I also depend on circumstances or relationships sometimes. And of course many of us have crutches and escapes that we depend on to get us through our days – from the obvious drugs and alcohol to electronic screens and keeping busy.

Why is it so hard to depend on God? I don’t “do” trust very well. It means admitting that He knows me better than I know myself. That He knows my desires and will take care of them better than I can. I think I know what will make me happy. I’ve made choices in the past that I was sure would bring me fulfillment and happiness in the long term. But I’ve been wrong. More than once.

It’s difficult for me to be still. And quiet. And wait on God. But ultimately I know He’s the only One I can really depend on. He’s the only One big enough to handle my darkness and all those other awful D words that can consume me. He’s the only One who really knows me and is looking out for my best interests, always and unconditionally. Now if I could just remember that…..

C - Change

“So…do you love it?” Beth whirled Danielle around so she could see herself in the mirror. Sweeping her hand through her fiery red hair, Danielle smiled. She had never colored her hair in her life; this was big.

“I love it! It’s perfect!”

“What will your husband say?” Beth asked her.

“I guess I’ll find out soon enough,” Danielle answered softly.

As excited as she was, Danielle couldn’t help but feel nervous. As she drove home, she began to feel sick to her stomach. What had she done? He was going to hate it. He would explode; she knew it.

But there was no undoing it now. She was going through with this, with everything.

Her heart was pounding so loudly by the time she walked up the sidewalk, she could barely focus. Fighting to keep herself calm, she slowly opened the door.

“You’re late, Dani, I—“ Jeff stared at her. “What the hell did you do to your hair?” he bellowed.

Danielle inhaled slowly. “I colored it. I know it’s different, but I think it’s cute,” she said, trying to hide her anxiety.

“It’s-it’s red! I don’t like it at all. And how much did you pay for that?!” he was almost yelling. 

“ I used my own money. I had some extra left over this week.”

“How much was it?” he pushed.

“Why does it matter? I told you, I used my own money,” Danielle muttered.

He glared at her. “Because you don’t need to be wasting your money on stupid things like that! This had better be the last time you do anything like that without checking with me first. And you look ridiculous, by the way.”

Danielle turned away to hide her clenched jaw. Oh, if he only knew. This was just the beginning of the changes she had in store.

B - Baby

She looked at the pregnancy test for the seventieth time. Positive. It couldn’t be. At her age? Marcy rubbed her temples slowly. So that’s why she’d felt so tired lately. Could she even carry this one to term? She knew she had to tell him immediately. She picked up the phone and dialed. 

”Hey, hon. Can we meet for lunch?” she tried to sound casual.

“I’m pretty busy here,” Paul answered.

“Can’t you just get away for a short lunch at Roberto’s?” Marcy pressed.

“I don’t know…What about tomorrow?”

“Oh come on, Paul. Please. You’ve worked late every night this week.” Now she was getting irritated.
”Ok. Ok. I’ll see you there at noon,” he gave in.

An hour later at Roberto’s, Marcy watched the door for Paul and sipped on her giant glass of water. He was running late, and Marcy was getting madder by the minute. Finally, she spotted his slender frame walking quickly as he spoke into his cell phone. He sat down across from her and finished his conversation. Marcy glared at him.

“You’re late,” she fumed.

“Sorry. And hey, I can’t stay for more than a drink. I’m really swamped. I just got a bunch more work dropped on me because Lanie is out sick and ---“

Marcy raised her hand and stopped him mid-sentence. “We’re having a baby!” she blurted out. She wasn’t quite prepared for the look of horror in his eyes.