F - Flowers

Sandy glanced around the small chapel at the burnt orange, burgundy and mauve flowers. Perfect. Finally. Her dream. Her fall wedding. Everything was done. The rehearsal was history. All she needed now was a good night’s sleep in preparation for her big day tomorrow. 

“So, are you all ready?” Kelly, one of her bridesmaids, had snuck up behind her.

“Yeah, I think so. I’m just getting ready to leave. Anyone else here or are we the last ones?” Sandy asked.

“Nope. I think we are it. So…any last-minute jitters? Cold feet?” Kelly knew how to cut to the chase when she wanted to.

Sandy sighed. “What does that mean?” Kelly asked.

“I’m happy. We love each other. What more can you ask for?”

“You…. didn’t really answer my question.”

Sandy laughed. “Well, it’s marriage. Nothing’s 100% guaranteed. No one goes into it with no doubts… surely?”

“Don’t ask me. I wouldn’t know. I was just curious,” Kelly put her hand on Sandy’s shoulder. “You know you can tell me anything.”

Sandy laughed again. “There’s nothing to worry about. It’ll be fine. I’ll be fine,” she said, admiring the flowers one more time before she turned out the lights in the chapel.

E - Enderman

I collaborated with my son Elias for today’s letter. He’s into all things Minecraft. If you’re like me and have no clue, Minecraft is a video game that middle school boys are obsessed with. I’ll admit it completely confuses me, but I’ve found that if I want to spend positive time with my son now that he’s a preteen, it helps to take an interest in what he’s into. Plus, I really needed a break from my other writing, so here I go…

What is an Enderman, you ask? It’s a creature in Minecraft that’s tall and black with purple glowing eyes. It’s neutral unless you provoke it. You can do this in several ways from what I understand. You can hit it - well, that would make me hostile too. You can also stare at its upper body. Once hostile, it’s tough to battle because it can teleport and apparently it loves to sneak up from behind and attack. Its home world is The End, it makes weird noises, and it’s vulnerable to water. Sunlight can turn it back to neutral. And if you put a pumpkin on your head, the Enderman will ignore you. Ok, that part is just weird. Anyway, that is my very uneducated Mom summary of an Enderman.

I was going to try to draw some parallel to people and how we become hostile when provoked or extract some other life lesson from it. But honestly, it’s a video game. And it’s late and I’m exhausted. Hopefully I at least enlightened some poor soul out there who knows as little as I do about the game. Or maybe I entertained you with my ramblings. Either way, I got an E post out of it, so I’m good.

D - Depend

I was working on a blog post about darkness for D, but frankly, it was… well dark. And I couldn’t really get it done the way I wanted. So I’ve been struggling to come up with an easier D word. Now I’ve got D words coming out the ying yang, so thanks A to Z. Most of them are rather depressing – demons, demonizing, death, doom and gloom, discipline, dysfunction, desperate, different, determined, dare. So the irony is that I could write about four or five D posts now.

Instead, I’ve decided to go in a more positive direction. My favorite verse  is “Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Do not depend on your own understanding.” (Proverbs 3:5)

Who or what do we depend on? I depend on my own understanding. A lot. I also depend on circumstances or relationships sometimes. And of course many of us have crutches and escapes that we depend on to get us through our days – from the obvious drugs and alcohol to electronic screens and keeping busy.

Why is it so hard to depend on God? I don’t “do” trust very well. It means admitting that He knows me better than I know myself. That He knows my desires and will take care of them better than I can. I think I know what will make me happy. I’ve made choices in the past that I was sure would bring me fulfillment and happiness in the long term. But I’ve been wrong. More than once.

It’s difficult for me to be still. And quiet. And wait on God. But ultimately I know He’s the only One I can really depend on. He’s the only One big enough to handle my darkness and all those other awful D words that can consume me. He’s the only One who really knows me and is looking out for my best interests, always and unconditionally. Now if I could just remember that…..

C - Change

“So…do you love it?” Beth whirled Danielle around so she could see herself in the mirror. Sweeping her hand through her fiery red hair, Danielle smiled. She had never colored her hair in her life; this was big.

“I love it! It’s perfect!”

“What will your husband say?” Beth asked her.

“I guess I’ll find out soon enough,” Danielle answered softly.

As excited as she was, Danielle couldn’t help but feel nervous. As she drove home, she began to feel sick to her stomach. What had she done? He was going to hate it. He would explode; she knew it.

But there was no undoing it now. She was going through with this, with everything.

Her heart was pounding so loudly by the time she walked up the sidewalk, she could barely focus. Fighting to keep herself calm, she slowly opened the door.

“You’re late, Dani, I—“ Jeff stared at her. “What the hell did you do to your hair?” he bellowed.

Danielle inhaled slowly. “I colored it. I know it’s different, but I think it’s cute,” she said, trying to hide her anxiety.

“It’s-it’s red! I don’t like it at all. And how much did you pay for that?!” he was almost yelling. 

“ I used my own money. I had some extra left over this week.”

“How much was it?” he pushed.

“Why does it matter? I told you, I used my own money,” Danielle muttered.

He glared at her. “Because you don’t need to be wasting your money on stupid things like that! This had better be the last time you do anything like that without checking with me first. And you look ridiculous, by the way.”

Danielle turned away to hide her clenched jaw. Oh, if he only knew. This was just the beginning of the changes she had in store.

B - Baby

She looked at the pregnancy test for the seventieth time. Positive. It couldn’t be. At her age? Marcy rubbed her temples slowly. So that’s why she’d felt so tired lately. Could she even carry this one to term? She knew she had to tell him immediately. She picked up the phone and dialed. 

”Hey, hon. Can we meet for lunch?” she tried to sound casual.

“I’m pretty busy here,” Paul answered.

“Can’t you just get away for a short lunch at Roberto’s?” Marcy pressed.

“I don’t know…What about tomorrow?”

“Oh come on, Paul. Please. You’ve worked late every night this week.” Now she was getting irritated.
”Ok. Ok. I’ll see you there at noon,” he gave in.

An hour later at Roberto’s, Marcy watched the door for Paul and sipped on her giant glass of water. He was running late, and Marcy was getting madder by the minute. Finally, she spotted his slender frame walking quickly as he spoke into his cell phone. He sat down across from her and finished his conversation. Marcy glared at him.

“You’re late,” she fumed.

“Sorry. And hey, I can’t stay for more than a drink. I’m really swamped. I just got a bunch more work dropped on me because Lanie is out sick and ---“

Marcy raised her hand and stopped him mid-sentence. “We’re having a baby!” she blurted out. She wasn’t quite prepared for the look of horror in his eyes.

A - Apathy

Returning from her early morning run, Bridget quietly opened the door to the kitchen. He wouldn’t be awake yet; for that she was grateful. She really wasn’t in the mood to deal with him right now. Finishing off her bottled water, she collapsed into a chair. Something felt different, though. They had fought last night. Again. Normally, Bridget’s anger was overwhelming and she used her runs to clear her head. This time was different. The anger was gone. She couldn’t even muster up the strength to care enough to be mad at him anymore. Four years of put-downs, screaming and dismissiveness had taken its toll.  When had the transformation taken place? She wasn’t quite sure. But at some point Bridget had moved from anger to apathy.

New Year's Musings

I've always loved the new year. Fresh starts. New beginnings. All that jazz. If you were to read my New Year's blogs or journals for the last decade (or more), you'd probably find similar thoughts. I always have had so many things I wanted to change. I'd start with this big list of things I was going to do differently. I had good intentions.  I'd plan for days leading up to January 1. I'd always get so excited. But I view the new year a bit differently now.

Sure, wanting to better ourselves is a good thing. It means we realize we're not perfect and that we have room for improvement. And I am certainly not denying the importance of making changes where needed. Not at all. But when our desire to change ourselves stops us from enjoying what's in front of us, we need to find some balance. Moving toward change while enjoying where I am and even the journey and the process is a lesson I've been learning. I don't spend enough time "delighting in the life I've been given", as I recently read somewhere.

I guess the reason I've always loved planning my New Year's resolutions is because I want guaranteed outcomes. I want control. We want to know that if we do XY and Z, that our kids will be respectful, responsible and contributing adults. We want to know that if we choose just the right career, we will be guaranteed a job or a certain income. We want to know that if we choose the right spouse, we'll live happily ever after in wedded bliss and never feel lonely again.

 I want to know how things will turn out. I don't "do" trust very well. I never have. I need to see proof. I need constant reassurances. But life doesn't work that way. There are no guarantees. Kids can't be reduced to formulas. Marriages sometimes end. The economy tanks. Companies downsize. And I'm learning to be okay with that. It's not easy. But it is freeing.

So what about my New Year's resolutions for 2014? I don't know. They're not so set in stone anymore. I am doing a yell-free challenge. I suppose that's one. And I want to do more things I enjoy. Just for me.  But really, I'm leaving things much more open-ended anymore. Finding joy right where I am, to paraphrase something I heard in a sermon recently. Instead of relying on doing this long list of things and working until I can finally feel good about myself and my life. To just be still. Just be. And enjoy my life. And yes, make needed changes. But from a place of strength instead of desperation. And to trust. Oh, how I need to learn to trust......Ok, there I go, I'm making a list again. So old habits die hard. What can I say?