Okay, so I had my first day of substitute teaching on Monday. I was so traumatized that it took me a couple of days to actually talk/write about it. It didn't go very well. At least I didn't think so. Nothing horrid happened. I just felt completely inadequate and unsure of what I was doing the whole day. That was quite honestly the longest 6 hours of my life! The only way I got through it was deciding early on (not sure what time, maybe 9:30 or 10:00 am) that I probably would not be coming back and so all I had to do was to get through the day. Seriously. Then I'd call the employment agency and tell them thanks, but no thanks.
The kids were wild. I couldn't control them. And there wasn't one minute that I actually was sure of what I was doing. I did like interacting with some of them - one on one or in small groups. On an individual basis, they're delightful. But trying to manage an entire class of 2nd graders! Made me want to run screaming back to an office job.
I came home and cried. And cried. And cried. I was heartbroken. I failed. Miserably. And not just that. I had thought that maybe, just maybe, God was calling me to teach. That maybe this was my purpose, my calling. I so like the elementary-school age and their enthusiasm for life. Maybe I was supposed to be a part of that, I thought. Silly me. Who was I to think I could take a risk and succeed? Me, non-risk-taking Cheryl. What was I thinking??
Well, after a couple of days to think about it and get advice from hubby, I have decided to give it another shot. It really isn't fair to judge a job by one day. And one very chaotic day at that. I'm still disappointed. And scared. But I can't quit after one day. I do need to give it another chance at least. So I'm gonna try again. I must be crazy! And yeah, many days I really believe that I am. No kidding. There is a bit of mental illness in the family after all. But at least I'll know. At least when I'm 80 I won't have to wonder if I should have tried teaching. So if I'm going to fail, I'm going to fail. I'm going to embrace the failure and know that at least that's one occupation I can check off my list of possibilities. And then I can move forward with the next thing......Whatever that is...