Fear

Well, this week was Christmas and we had a nice time. We stayed here in Indiana, so it was relatively relaxing - that part of it anyway. We made pumpkin pancakes and had sausage and eggs for dinner last night, and it's nice for Ken to have some time off. We got the movie Up and it's such a cute movie with a good message. The message: you can't get so tied up in what you've lost that you miss out on what's in front of you. A message I probably need. We're going through a lot of changes, and as I read the other day "When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us." - Helen Keller
Pretty appropriate. But I am totally scared to death right now. Found out that I will be substitute teaching once the holidays are over. And honestly...I AM PETRIFIED. I'm worried about finding a full-time job and overwhelmed with those prospects. And in *theory*, substitute teaching elementary school kids seems like a good idea in the meantime. But when it comes down to actually going in there and doing it, I'm scared to death. Going in to different schools that I am unfamiliar with, not to mention finding the schools themselves, and managing 20 kids at a time with no formal training, ugh! I'm wondering if I can really do it. Then there's the task of teaching from different curricula when, again, I have no teaching background...Oh, the more I think about it, the more I feel sick.

BUT, with all of that said, I don't want to look back when I'm 80 and wish I'd have tried something different. Just to see if I might have liked it. Or taken a chance. A risk. Whatever. In a year, five years, ten years from now it won't be a big deal. Whether it ends up being something that works out or whether I fall flat on my face. So I'm trying to look at it from that point of view and take it one day at a time and not get too overwhelmed by preparing a little at a time.

I'm just scared. But trying to trust that God will be with me. Whatever happens. Can't wait to look back on this at this time next year and see how it turned out.......

The Search for a Church

So we've run the gamut of churches up here in southern Indiana and are getting a little (well, honestly more than a little) frustrated at not being able to find one. We've been to everything from a beautiful old Episcopal church to a kind of creepy "Word of Faith" church to the rock concert-y megachurch to the very traditional Presbyterian church where they still sing hymns and the average age is about 60. We started by visiting several of the popular mega-churches around.

Church #1 - just too big. Feels like an amphitheatre. Also, their contemporary music is a little too rock concert-y for us. More like a big production than a worship experience sometimes. Almost need binoculars to see the stage. Did have to give them credit for good sermons, though.
Second big mega-church - it's so big that it's actually an offshoot of a GINORMOUS church in Louisville. This one I didn't mind, but hubby didn't like because they don't have a live person doing the message/sermon. It's televised from the GINORMOUS church in Louisville via satellite. Hubby's comment: "If I want to watch television, I can stay home and do that." Can't argue with that.

Okay. Enough with the mega-churches. So we decide to try some others. We try to find this one Presbyterian church that sounds promising and, being new to the area and having problems with our Mapquest printout, totally can't find it. No problem. We'll just pop into whatever church we *can* find which happens to be a beautiful old Episcopal church. Only problem was we got there with about 15 minutes left. Apparently the service had started at 10:00 am. Oops!

All right. Trying again. Next Sunday. We find that Presbyterian church that were unable to find before. Well, this one's *too* traditional. Not many people our age. Hymns. Kind of boring. It was just okay.

Next, we find one that sounds interesting. What we didn't know is that it was one of those Word of Faith churches. "Just give me all your money and God will bless you". Oh my. That was the basic gist. Felt like one of those televangelist churches from tv. That one was out. Hubby actually had a visceral reaction to this one. Was creeped out. So that was the end of that one.

Baptist churches are out because of the whole women not being allowed to lead thing, so we try another Presbyterian church, trying not to get our hopes up. Well, the people seemed nice, but the average age of the congregation members, in my estimation was about 60 and I was half falling asleep during the hymns.

Why are churches here either rockin' productions or so traditional that you're falling asleep??? Where's the in-between? Where are the churches that have both young families with children and older people, that incorporate both hymns and contemporary praise songs? And what happened to Sunday School?

Actually we did find one church that we both liked. Smaller but does have contemporary music without being rock bandish and a very down-to-earth, raw, unpretentious pastor. Unlike any church we've ever attended. But wouldn't you know it - it's half an hour away! We've tried to make it work, but it's just too far for us to get as involved as we'd like. sigh.....oh well, we'll keep looking...

F's and chocolate ice cream stains

Yes, I had another meltdown today. What is it with me - am I a toddler? It all started when....who am i kidding? Whose bright idea was it to give my 7-year-old boy who was wearing a white dress shirt at the time (their dress code, NOT mine!) a chocolate ice cream right as he is getting ready to get in my car to go home for the day? On what planet is that a good idea??

The kid gets in the car, I pull over to the parking lot to strap him in, and he wants to show me what he got. He's got a half-melted chocolate ice cream in his hand. That's when the rage crept up. What in the world am I supposed to do with this? I don't have a trash can (or friggin' wet bar) in my car. I want to just dump it on the ground, but said son is crying for it as it was a reward for his summer reading program participation. So I guess I need to let him eat it?? He gets out of car and proceeds to drip the chocolate ice cream all over his white dress shirt and one and only pair of tennis shoes. UGH!! I'm so furious, I don't know what to do. I understand it was good intentions and all, but seriously, WHERE IS THE COMMON SENSE??? Common sense, people, common sense! If you want to give my kid a reward, that's wonderful. Delightful. Just not an ice cream when it's 85 degrees outside and you're handing him over to me. In my car. Don't even get me started on the dress code that requires him to dress up on Wednesdays!!! That's another matter entirely!!

So this is the state of mind I'm in when I find out he got an F on a worksheet he did. Now my kid is smart. I'm sorry, I know I'm biased, but he is smart. Darn smart. Gonna leave me in the dust in oh, about a year and a half or so. Then I'll just smile and nod and pretend I understand what he's saying after that because I'll have no clue. Seriously. He's 7.

So anyway, bad grades freak me out. I realize this is my issue, not his. I was a perfectionist from the time I was a kid his age, and a D or F really freaks me out. He knows it's not good, but he's not that upset by it. Which is probably a good thing. But I'm upset. Especially since this isn't his first bad grade since we moved. He's gotten several others on similar worksheets. I'm threatening all kinds of stuff. "You won't be playing with friends. You're gonna lose this, that and the other. You won't be doing *anything* until you stop bringing home D's and F's!" Not pretty. I'm not proud of myself. I had an all-out meltdown.

So what was the outcome? Well, I figured it out. I am a toddler. Apparently I needed a time-out. I was feeling semi-psychotic, so I went and laid down and told him he needed to study for awhile while I did so. After he calmed down and I did too, I rested for a few minutes. What do you know? After a half hour or so, I got up and felt calm. A time out for adults. huh.....Seemed to help. After a little sanity returned, I sat down with him and let him show me the other (non-melting) rewards he got for his reading program. He was proud of them. I felt bad for having a meltdown earlier over everything. I decided we'll ask his teacher if there's any way he can practice the things he's struggling with on our own. And I'm not gonna freak out and assume that because he got another F that he'll never get into college or get a decent job or..... (Cuz don't ya know that's where my mind goes!? "His life will be ruined forever!!" picture me with hand to forehead)

So that was my lovely afternoon. I'm all better now. But who knows what horrors lurk around the corner with these 40-something hormones that are raging all the time! DUH DUH DUHHHHHH!

Things are going better now that we've sort of gotten into a routine. School has started back, so there's a little more sanity and structure to the days. Of course that means now I must start the dreaded and overwhelming task of resume-writing and job-hunting. Can we say procrastination? Actually, I'm trying not to by forcing myself to work for a few minutes every day on my resume. I've made some progress, but probably not as much as I should.
I'm just so easily overwhelmed and intimidated, it's not funny. Especially when I"m not even sure what I want to do. For right now I'm going with the responsible, money thing. Sigh...the story of my life. There's too much pressure on hubby being the only breadwinner, and that's not fair to him. I still think I might like to teach, but we'll just have to see about that...I don't know...Meantime, I can still write on the side. And I have been. So there ya go.

I've lost count again....

Ugh! We're having too many bad days now. It's not fun. The kid is not sleeping well; thus he's very fussy and easily frustrated. I'm listening to him fuss about having to write two sentences for his writing assignment. Good gracious. He's smart as crap. But the downside of that is that if something doesn't just come to him easily, he throws up his hands and gives up and says he can't do it. Doesn't even try. Drives me crazy. Absolutely crazy. We need help with his insomnia. Big time.

Day 13 of the Move

Today was much better than yesterday, thank goodness. Played in the sprinkler, shot each other with water weapons, had our own little summer camp thing a la Flylady, unpacked some more boxes. It was much more sane today. And not so hot either. Maybe we can all get some decent sleep tonight after last night's fiasco. Man, I never knew a 7-year-old could have such insomnia!!

Day 12

Today has been awful. No other word for it. We're all irritable. Bored. Frustrated. Tired. Everyone is just ill with each other. No one was happy today. We need some structure, something. Ugh. I hope tomorrow's better. I hate days like this. It's been the worst one yet. Blech!

Moving: Day 11?

The good news is that I've emptied all the kitchen boxes. The bad news is I'm tired of wearing the same clothes because I haven't had time to unpack bedroom boxes. At least we have our washer and dryer hooked up. Overall, it's going better. We're very slowly but surely getting settled in. Had a couple of days where we didn't unpack much and that helps with the sanity factor. Got out and found the public library and his school library, so we've got lots of books. (Really just another distraction to prevent me from unpacking, but that's okay.) We've found the all-important Target and Walmart and such. As well as some great places to eat. This is a pretty cool place we've moved to, I've gotta say.

Moving: Day I-don't-even-know-what

Well, this is Day 6? of our move. I don't even know. It's been six days since we got our furniture, so that's what I'm counting from. Moving sucks. How many times have we lost something in the last week? Lots. Usually it's little things, but the other day we thought we lost my social security card. Lovely. Then there was the night I was going to make a real actual meal for dinner for the first time in our new home and couldn't find the dish to make it in. So we had sandwiches. Again. Or the time I was all ready for an omelet and had everything except a spatula. No omelet that night. The most fun had to be the day we got our furniture. We had been 5 or 6 days without most of our stuff and we finally got it. Then our air went out in the new house and it was about 90 degrees outside. Not the type of thing you want when you're unpacking and already tired and irritated as it is. And it wasn't like we could even open the windows because we had no screens yet! That was helpful. Seriously, though, between having no air, the mold in the basement, radon in the water *and* air, our house is basically a deathtrap. But hey, it's pretty! Today wasn't quite as bad. I only had to wait around until 4:00 pm for the guys to come look at the dishwasher and air conditioning and unpacked, I don't know, 3 or 4 boxes of crap I don't know where to put. Oh, the high point of the day was finding hubby's cell phone charger (yes, we had lost that too). So at least there's that. And I actually made a meal that I had all of the ingredients and utensils for, so I guess that's progress. Of course the day ended with my 7-year-old having a meltdown followed closely behind by me having one of my own. I'll let you know how tomorrow goes.......