Ah, the glamorous life of a stay-at-home mom...That's what I used to think. Well, not glamorous necessarily. But ideal. Fulfilling. The ultimate. Well, today was one of those days when I feel frumpy, useless, aimless and bored. I feel like I should be doing something, but I'm not sure what. It's not like there aren't a million little things around the house I could do, but they don't seem important. So I jump on the Internet. Then I just feel more icky and useless for wasting time.
Why am I always looking for that "thing" that will fulfill me? First we think if we can just get married, we'll be fulfilled. If you're married, you know that is sooo far from reality. Or if we can just find the perfect career or job that suits us, we'll never suffer from boredom or aimlessness again. If we have children, surely that will fulfill us like nothing else. And I do love being a mom, and it is very fulfilling. But it doesn't make all your problems go away. Maybe the error is thinking that I'll find some magical place in life where I'll always feel fulfilled, productive and happy and never get bored again. And that's not how life works. It's complicated and messy. One day you may feel good about life and the next it just kind of sucks.
I think another piece of it is that I feel this need to accomplish something. There's nothing tangible to show for my day. Sometimes there's laundry done or a room cleaned. But let's face it, that's not always very fulfilling. Why do I feel like I have to prove myself, justify my existence? Even wanting to write a novel which has always been a dream of mine - doing that is a way of saying "Look, I wrote a novel while I was a stay-at-home-mom." I DID something.
Is it wrong to have ambition? Is it wrong to want to reach people and make a mark on the world? I don't think so. But maybe I need to stop assuming I need to make some big mark somehow. Maybe I need to choose to be content in my boring little world and make a mark on my baby and older son and husband by being fully present with them and to stop living like my life with them is not enough.
And maybe I need to live by what I *know* to be true, not by how I feel. I know that raising humans is very important, no matter how mundane it feels some days.
And maybe we are all searching. Maybe this life will never really fully satisfy us and that's why we yearn for more. Maybe we should just accept that and stop trying so hard to change it. Maybe God wants us to search for Him because only He really knows what will satisfy us. I know I certainly don't have a clue.
Or maybe I just need a good night's sleep and it will all look better tomorrow.