C & D - Connection as Discipline

Well, I am going to cheat for C and do D at the same time because I have gotten behind. Surprise. Considering that I’m winging it and forgot about the challenge until the day before, this is not exactly unexpected. I had a great idea for writing a fictional piece about a controversial doctor, but I just never could get that fleshed out. So I’m settling on something that will be easy for me so that I can hopefully move on tomorrow. It’s connection as discipline. What is that? Well, there’s a saying: Connect before you correct. That just means instead of barking orders, you connect with your child first. When you think about it, it just makes sense. All humans crave connection. For some reason, this gets lost in parenting. It’s much too easy to end up becoming dictators barking out orders for our kids to follow so that we can get to the next item on our To Do list. We lose sight of what’s important – the relationship. We blow the connection over a million different things every day. Well, I do. But what does it look like to connect before you correct? Let’s say you’re trying to get your child ready to go somewhere and he needs a diaper change. You can pick him up and take him against his will. Or you can go over to him, make a comment on what he is doing and then tell him it’s time for a diaper change after you’ve connected. It doesn’t have to take long. In fact, sometimes those short little connections can make all the difference in their cooperation level. Of course you want to connect in big ways too. It’s not always easy, but connection as discipline seems to work better than screaming or being harsh. It always seems to work better when you get to the heart of the matter. And people, not just children, are usually going to respond better when they feel connected. It’s just how we are wired.

B - Bus

I sneak a peek through the blinds, hoping he doesn’t notice. I can barely make out his form in the darkness. He doesn’t want much to do with me anymore. I wipe some sleep from my eyes. What happened to my little boy? The one who used to light up when he saw me? The one who was so eager to tell me everything that I thought he would burst into flames? We used to chat while I made him breakfast. Now he eats alone because he wants it that way. We used to sit together while he waited on the bus in the dark. Now I am reduced to spying on him from the window because he doesn’t want me there. I shield my eyes from the flashing lights of the approaching school bus. My teenaged son chats with the neighbor kids as he boards the bus. I brush away a tear as I close the blinds and drag myself back to bed.

A is for Aggravation

Aggravated. Seems that's my state of mind lately. Aggravated with the kids. Aggravated with difficult people. Life can seem like one annoyance after another. I even get aggravated with myself when I snap at everyone. Or I stay up too late. Or I'm tired. Again. I can live in a constant state of aggravation (or anger, for that matter.). Or I can accept what is and make the best of it. I can recognize all the big and small aggravations as chances to grow. Acceptance. Yeah. I think that's what's needed. Just accepting what is...Accepting that kids are just doing what they do. And that's okay. Accepting that I mess up constantly. I stay up too late. I eat too much chocolate. I don't do the things I know I should do. And that's okay. Accept it. Own it. Stop fighting it. Accept. Accept the flaws in other people and in myself. Accept the annoyances and the interruptions. Stop fighting the way things *should* be and accept the way they actually *are*. Funny thing happens when you do that. You feel a lot less aggravated. 

V & W - Value and Worth

I’ll be honest. I’m on my last leg with this A to Z challenge. I’m barely hobbling in here. I totally skipped T and U. But I’m determined to drag myself to the finish line if at all possible. So I’m combining V and W and hoping I’ll come up with an X, Y and Z post cuz I got nothin’ at this point. But I guess the upside to all this is that I’ve done a lot of writing in the last month. Anyway, on to V and W. Incidentally, since I’m rambling, my first car was a VW bug……

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Know your value; know your worth. I think women, for some reason more than men, struggle with this. Or maybe men just deal with it in different ways or hide it better than we do. I don’t know b/c I’m not a guy. I can only speak for myself, and I have always struggled with this particular issue.

Now I’m not talking about an arrogant, princess-y, wait-on-me-hand-and-foot kinda attitude. That’s just obnoxious. I’m talking more of a deep down “I am worth it” kind of thinking.

We put up with stuff because we don’t realize how valuable we are or because we are used to being treated in less than respectful ways. It feels normal to be dismissed or belittled and we may not even be conscious of what’s happening. We get in or stay in relationships because we don’t think anyone else will have us and we’d better take what we can get.

It can be hard to believe we are enough because it seldom feels that way. We get messages from all around us that we are not. Culture’s constantly telling us we need this or that to be worth something.  We need to look a certain way. We’re just not enough the way we are. Or maybe the people who are supposed to love and cherish you are the ones who have beaten you down for so long. After awhile, in your core, you believe the lie. Because it feels true.

So what do we do? How do we change? Well, we walk in the truth that we are valuable and worth it. I’ve had to start with baby steps. When I’m being screamed at, I can tell them that I’ll talk to them when they speak to me respectfully. And then follow through by not engaging with them until they do. Sometimes it’s little nuances that can make a big difference. And of course we have to treat others, especially our children, with the respect and honor that we want to be treated with. How often do I speak disrespectfully to my children? How often am I demeaning and dismissive of them and their concerns? Yet I expect them to be respectful of me and to listen to me. Yeah, it’s a big cycle. And the only one we can change is our self. But that usually makes all the difference. And we are worth it. We are worth the work that it takes to change.

S - Struggle

If there’s one thing I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older, it’s that we all struggle with personal demons. It could be a situation we are unhappy with. It might be dysfunction that prevents us from being who we want to be. It could be health issues or relationship or financial issues. The question is not whether we’re going to struggle; it’s how we’re going to handle the battle. We can blame others. We can resent the situation. We can play the victim because we feel helpless and hopeless. Or we can look for solutions. We can look for a better way to handle things. We can mine for the lessons we need to take from our struggles and let them make us stronger. We can choose to face them from a place of strength. We can let them make us more compassionate and softer or bitter and angry. As with most things in life, it’s not the initial problem that’s the problem. It’s how we choose to handle it that matters. It’s not so much about the problem as it is about how we respond. 

Here’s an example of what I mean. A few years ago I ordered some study materials for continuing education from a company. A few weeks after I received my materials, I realized part of my order was not what I needed and wouldn’t count for credit. Suffice it to say that the whole process involved a lot of stress for me, so I was livid. I called the company. Now whether it was my fault for not being careful enough when ordering is up for debate. And certainly the company could have gotten an attitude and told me I needed to be more careful, that they can’t monitor everyone’s continuing education requirements, yada yada yada. Maybe I was the cause of the problem. But do you know what they did? They allowed me to send it back, refunded my money, helped me to find something that would work and even gave me an extra coupon. Because they handled it so well, they got a loyal customer. Out of a problem. It applies to our personal struggles as well. We can fuss and fume that we have these struggles. Or we can roll up our sleeves, decide to accept the challenge and dig deep. What’s that saying? What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Be strong. If you don’t think you’re strong, because I totally get that, dig deep until you find that strength. It’s there. It is. You know… maybe that’s what the struggles are for – to bring out our strengths. Like mining for jewels.

R - Right thing

Do the right thing. Do the right thing when you see no good reason to. Do the right thing when the person doesn’t deserve your thoughtfulness. Do it when you see no possible payoff. Do it when no one will know or give you accolades. Do the right thing even though no one else is doing the right thing. Do it even if you have to do it alone. Sometimes you know in your gut what the right thing is to do. You just need to do it. Period.  

Q - Quiet

I was going to do a post about quiet – as in the good kind. When you have wild kids running around all the time, quiet is a sought-after commodity. Quiet can be softly flowing streams and peaceful moonlit nights.

But sometimes quiet can be bad. For example, when you put yourself out there - let’s just   say, writing a blog post or something random like that - and no one responds. Crickets. Silence. Quiet. There’s nothing worse than an awkward, quiet pause when you say something and it’s not received in the way you expected. The worst is when God seems silent, and we get nothing from Him when we need it the most.

Today is the Saturday before Easter. Not Friday with all of the commotion and tumult of the crucifixion. Not Sunday when Jesus conquered death and hell by raising from the dead. But Saturday. Dead quiet Saturday. He was just….gone. It was quiet. Can you imagine how they must have been grieving? To have been walking and living beside Jesus and then to watch Him die? Surely they must have wondered where God was. Why didn’t He intervene? Why didn’t He comfort them? Did He care at all? They were in pain, and where was He? He was silent. Quiet. Crickets.

You just want a shred of evidence that He’s there. And there’s not one. That’s tough. That’s when it takes faith. I guess it wouldn’t be faith if we could see the evidence. Maybe that’s why the verse says, “We walk by faith, not by sight.”

That’s really hard for me. I don’t like it when He’s quiet. I interpret silence on the other end as not caring. I am so bad at faith and trust.

But what is the truth? We think He’s forgotten, but He’s there. He’s been there all along.

That’s what we have to cling to. The truth. Not what it feels like the truth is. But the truth itself. Over and over He tells us that He is with us. Always. Even when there’s no indication that He is. That’s what we have to hold on to. For dear life. 

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There's a song by Barlow Girl that I love. I can't get it to post, so for now, I will just leave you with the lyrics that say it all....

"I cry out with no reply and I can't feel you by my side. So I'll hold tight to what I know...You're here...and I'm never alone."