Ah, the glamorous life of a stay-at-home mom...That's what I used to think. Well, not glamorous necessarily. But ideal. Fulfilling. The ultimate. Well, today was one of those days when I feel frumpy, useless, aimless and bored. I feel like I should be doing something, but I'm not sure what. It's not like there aren't a million little things around the house I could do, but they don't seem important. So I jump on the Internet. Then I just feel more icky and useless for wasting time. 

Why am I always looking for that "thing" that will fulfill me? First we think if we can just get married, we'll be fulfilled. If you're married, you know that is sooo far from reality. Or if we can just find the perfect career or job that suits us, we'll never suffer from boredom or aimlessness again. If we have children, surely that will fulfill us like nothing else. And I do love being a mom, and it is very fulfilling. But it doesn't make all your problems go away. Maybe the error is thinking that I'll find some magical place in life where I'll always feel fulfilled, productive and happy and never get bored again. And that's not how life works. It's complicated and messy. One day you may feel good about life and the next it just kind of sucks.

I think another piece of it is that I feel this need to accomplish something. There's nothing tangible to show for my day. Sometimes there's laundry done or a room cleaned. But let's face it, that's not always very fulfilling. Why do I feel like I have to prove myself, justify my existence? Even wanting to write a novel which has always been a dream of mine - doing that is a way of saying "Look, I wrote a novel while I was a stay-at-home-mom." I DID something.

Is it wrong to have ambition? Is it wrong to want to reach people and make a mark on the world? I don't think so. But maybe I need to stop assuming I need to make some big mark somehow. Maybe I need to choose to be content in my boring little world and make a mark on my baby and older son and husband by being fully present with them and to stop living like my life with them is not enough. 

And maybe I need to live by what I *know* to be true, not by how I feel. I know that raising humans is very important, no matter how mundane it feels some days.

And maybe we are all searching. Maybe this life will never really fully satisfy us and that's why we yearn for more. Maybe we should just accept that and stop trying so hard to change it. Maybe God wants us to search for Him because only He really knows what will satisfy us. I know I certainly don't have a clue.

Or maybe I just need a good night's sleep and it will all look better tomorrow.

Bedtime Angst

Ok, so I was coming here to vent yesterday but got sidetracked. Probably a good thing because there may have been several four-letter words. See, I decided to try to train Micah, otherwise known as Baby-who-will-only-sleep-on-someone’s (usually Mommy but Daddy will do) chest. They, whoever “they” are, say babies his age should be able to sleep through the night and you can start sleep training once they reach 6 months of age. 

So I’ve been trying to put him down in the crib more. To no avail. But Valentine’s Day night (don’t ask me why I picked that particular night) I decided I was going to try in earnest. I read some in Baby Sleeping for Dummies or whatever the book is called. I did the bedtime routine and decided I would leave the room for five minutes and then come in and comfort him for five minutes. I thought I could keep doing this until I wore him down and he fell asleep. Um, no.

Our baby doesn’t just cry. He howls, he screams, the kid even rolls his R’s when he’s upset. Ken says it’s the worst cry he’s ever heard on a baby. Now he’s no baby expert. I mean, we have 2 kids; we’re not the Duggers or anything. Still. He sounds like he’s totally distressed and it’s really hard to listen to for more than a minute or two. But I kept trying. For awhile. Finally, I had to get some sleep. Long story, short. (Well, sort of.) The harder I try to get him to sleep on his own, the LESS sleep I and everyone get. So yesterday I was exhausted. Plus I was getting a cold. Brilliant idea, I know. That’s where the four-letter words would’ve come in. But I’ve had time to get some distance, so I will spare you.

So what do I read yesterday after this abysmal night's sleep? An article about gentle parenting. Ouch. And then a question.  If you were the baby, what would YOU want? Ouch again. I wouldn’t want to scream hysterically and be ignored, that’s for sure. Even just for five minutes. And the more I read, the more I realized I’m trying to force something that’s not working. Obviously, he’s not ready to go from sleeping on us to being put down alone in a dark room. And the truth is that we all get a reasonable amount of sleep the way we’ve been doing it. The problem comes when I can’t get up even for a couple minutes to do something like go to the bathroom in the middle of the night or get a snack.

Problem is, we want cookie-cutter answers for our parenting dilemmas. Believe me, I’d love to follow this 3-step plan and have my baby sleeping on his own through the night. Somehow I think if I read and research and try hard enough, I will stumble on some magical solution that will work for my kid. But babies are human beings. And human beings are unique. Don’t we tell our kids this all the time? “Be yourself. We’re all different.” So why do I think I can find easy solutions to parenting problems?

My kid *is* unique. There are no formulas. Except maybe to observe your child, evaluate your options, maybe even think outside the box and see what works for your particular situation and child. And then experiment.

So what happened last night? Well, I was way too tired to do anything like sleep training. Ken gave me a couple hours off and he took Micah so I could sleep by myself for 3 hours. Then I took over at midnight. Guess what? Micah didn’t even wake up until after 3 am. So we ended up getting a much better night’s sleep. Happy Happy Mom here. 

Am I ever going to get him sleeping in his own bed? I honestly don’t know at this point. What I do know is that I’m going to try to focus on compassion and kindness in looking for parenting solutions. And I’m going to work with my unique kid and what he needs to find those solutions. No stressing about what I *should* be doing. No formulas. (But if you find one for sleeping through the night, I’d still like to hear it.)

February Goals

Well, now that it's mid-February, I guess it's past time to blog about my February goals. :-) So I've been plodding along on the January ones and did okay. I did some writing on my novel, though I never sat down and counted to see if I wrote 15 pages last month. And I've been blogging a little more. As far as the meditating every day, I pretty much did that. One practice that I have found helpful is one I got from Joyce Meyer. She suggested "getting dressed" spiritually every morning just like we would get dressed physically. I've typed up some verses, encouraging statements, etc. that I go over and/or say aloud each morning. Things like "This is the day the Lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it." Or "I WILL keep my peace today. I WILL find the humor in my day." Even some inspirational parenting tips. It's a way of setting my mind, of making up my mind to be positive. Goodness knows I struggle with enough negative thoughts. This is a very good way to intentionally combat the negativity that can easily creep up on me. So I'm definitely continuing with that. 


For February, I'm continuing with a lot of the same I was working on for January. Trying to write a page a day on my novel and adding a couple of Textbroker articles. Then I've added one more - to clean off this very cluttered table in the kitchen. It's driving me nuts and maybe in a month of working on it a little at a time, I can get it done. Yeah. We'll see.

Family Dysfunction and Lessons to be Learned

I recently had a relative to pass away. He was a good Christian man who did a lot of selfless things. He was inspirational in a lot of ways - he had compassion for others and gave generously to those in need. But sometimes those that need us the most are right in front of us. I say this, not to disrespect this person, but to try to take something I found hurtful and learn lessons from it. Instead of becoming bitter and angry.

How often are we kinder to friends and even strangers than we are to our spouses or children? I'm in no way saying we should not reach out to others - the poor, the less fortunate, the people Jesus commanded us to take care of. He talks about caring for the poor and widows over and over in Scripture. Obviously, this is very important stuff. But does it have to be to the exclusion of those closest to us? Does it mean we neglect our own family in the process? What does it mean when a person does good things for the needy but leaves his own family wondering if they mattered to him? 

As I heard story after story of how this man cared for people he barely knew, I couldn't help but wonder, 'So why didn't you care about me? Was I not important to you? *Why* was *I* not important to you?' Selfish, I know. But that's what I was thinking. It hurt. It felt like a slap in the face. I felt cheated. 

Those kinds of questions don't ever really end up in a good place. I realize that dwelling on them doesn't do much good. There's no way I can answer them now that he is gone. I'm sure I did matter to him - he just didn't feel the need or see the importance of showing it. And I never felt it. I'm sure he did the best he could in the situation he was in. 

I'm sure there are varying reasons for his lack of interest in my life. It probably wasn't intentional. But one thing I know - after I'm gone (or even while I'm still here) I don't want those around me wondering if they mattered to me. I want them to KNOW they did. I want to tell them, I want to show them. I don't want to leave any doubts.

Are we always going to do the right thing? Probably not. Are we always going to even know what to do or say? No. Will we make mistakes? Yes. Will we be misunderstood? Maybe. Dealing with family and family dysfunction can be more than slightly difficult. But I would much rather be the one who at least makes the effort. I don't want to be guilty of sitting in my safe little world. Doing nothing. Thinking I'm being neutral. Or so scared of making mistakes or looking foolish that I do nothing. Because the truth is, when it comes to family, there *is* no such thing as being neutral. We WILL have an influence. We can choose to make a little effort so it will be a positive influence. Or we can choose to make very little to no effort and have a negative impact. As with most things in life, we DO have a choice.

I do not want to contribute to the pattern of indifference, neglect and isolation in our family, so I choose to sometimes do the harder thing, the inconvenient thing. It may mean risking rejection at times. Not everyone responds when we reach out. But at least they will know I cared enough to try.

General Rant on Parenting and Other Frustrations

Ok, so today is one of those days I woke up and don't feel like "doing" life. I don't feel like being a parent. I realize it's a huge privilege and honor and that there are many people who would kill to be a parent. But there are just days that I am so overwhelmed, I don't even want to figure out what to have for dinner, much less actually prepare it. 

Don't get me wrong. I am grateful to have such sweet, adorable kids. But some days I'm just not up for it. Not up for the responsibility. Not up for the decisions. Not up for the tiredness. Not up for being an example to two impressionable children when all I really want to do is scream. When my child has disobeyed me for the 50th time that day or has come out of his room 10 times to tell me that the air is too loud or that our one light is too bright for him to sleep and the baby is crying on top of it, I just want to run screaming to the hills. 

I'm tired of wanting to be a better parent and feeling like I'm failing again and again, despite my good intentions. Despite my desire to not repeat patterns of yelling and controlling. I'm tired of the house being a mess. Everywhere I look. There's not one clean space. The kitchen is full of dirty dishes. The counters are cluttered. Elias' room is messy. Even the baby/computer room is not neat. And our room? I just shut my eyes as I walk through so I don't have to see it.

I'm tired of being behind on the laundry. I'm tired of feeling like I am never getting anything done. I'm supposed to tame all this chaos and still maintain a good attitude and have fun and enjoy my children. I don't want them to look back and think Mom was always stressed and/or mad. I want them to look back on childhood with fondness. 

So what do I do? What's the answer? Is there an answer? I guess the key is keeping calm and controlling myself in the midst of the madness. It reminds me of a poem I once memorized. I never liked poetry, mainly because I didn't "get" it. But this one I remember. "If you can keep your head when all about you....are losing theirs and blaming it on you....If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you....and make allowance for their doubting too..." I don't remember the rest. But the point is that I have to choose to be happy and have fun. In the mess. Right smack in the middle of it all. Because if I wait until the laundry's done, the house is clean, the bills are all paid (oops!), I'm well-rested and all is peaceful, it will NEVER happen. When NOTHING is the way I want it, I still have a choice to make. 

I guess that's where prayer and trust come in. And maybe that's the point of it all. To make me realize I am NOT up to the task. Not in my own strength. Maybe I'm supposed to come to the end of myself and depend on God. You know, I think that *is* the point. "Rejoice in the Lord always." Hm.. How else can we do that unless we are relying on Him? If we wait for perfect circumstances or even mildly okay ones, we won't be doing much rejoicing. Maybe that's the key to handling my Star-Wars-question-asking, fish food-eating, non-sleeping ten-year-old, screaming baby, messy house and never-ending mountain of laundry. A healthy dose of humor might not hurt either. My son told me this morning that he ate some of the fish food just because he wanted to know what it tasted like. I had to laugh. So maybe *that* had something to do with throwing up last night? It never ends......

Mid-January Update

Ok, so it's halfway through the first month of my resolutions. How am I doing? Well, not too hot. But I'm retooling and adjusting. I'm not quitting and I think that's kind of the point of resolutions. I don't think it's as important that we perfectly keep every one and have all these check marks. Or beat ourselves up if we miss a day of keeping a resolution. I think the point is more that we keep moving ourselves in the general direction of our goals. And that setting goals, working toward them and sometimes recalibrating them - it's the journey, the process that develops our character and makes us better people.

So the grace is starting early. I'm realizing that caring for a baby and my other mom and housekeeping duties are a lot and maybe I bit off a little too much. Textbroker has had lousy articles lately, so I'm dropping that one. For some reason, I feel like I should be working on my novel, even though I have no idea where I'm really going with it and am overwhelmed. So I'm keeping that one. And writing this blog is way too much fun to give that one up. Plus, my grandfather on Dad's side passed away and surprisingly, it is bringing up lots of emotions and I've been writing a lot. Writing is like therapy for me sometimes. I guess it's cheaper than paying for it. So that's where I stand. And with this entry, I have now kept at least one of my goals - to write two blog entries this month. Woo hoo.

New Year's Resolutions

New Year's. Fresh starts. Beginnings. Time for contemplating, taking stock. What are our goals? What are we doing with our lives? What qualities do we want to develop? Let's see. I want to be a better mom. Start exercising. Write more. Keep a cleaner house. Make $100,000 this year. (ok, I had to give it a shot. Don't they say that writing your goals down increases the likelihood that you'll meet them? :-) ) It can quickly get overwhelming, and I easily get caught up in the works game and in trying to change myself all on my own. Often we crash and burn. And then we resolve never to make resolutions again.

But I think that evaluating our lives, setting goals and starting over are useful exercises. Even if we fail, it's still better than floating along passively. If we never look at the direction we are heading in, we are destined to end up nowhere. I think the problems with resolutions come when we rely on our own abilities and efforts to improve ourselves and leave God out of the process. Actually, I think God should be steering the whole process to begin with; we should just be along for the ride, going wherever He guides us. Easier said than done, I know.

So, yes, I'm setting some goals, resolutions, whatever you want to call them. But I'll be flexible and hold onto my goals loosely, knowing I may have to adjust frequently. And offer myself grace when I fail frequently as well. And writing this is a first step. One of my resolutions is to get this blog going again. So there. What are my others? Well, I'm setting a few goals each month. For January, I also want to write 5 articles for an online writing site I like, write at least 15 pages on my novel and spend 15 minutes daily meditating on Scripture and filling my mind with good, positive thoughts. Will all of this be by the wayside by March? Stay tuned. We'll both find out.