Cheryl's random thoughts

Family Dysfunction and Lessons to be Learned

2012-02-02T06:47:00.000-08:00

I recently had a relative to pass away. He was a good Christian man who did a lot of selfless things. He was inspirational in a lot of ways - he had compassion for others and gave generously to those in need. But sometimes those that need us the most are right in front of us. I say this, not to disrespect this person, but to try to take something I found hurtful and learn lessons from it. Instead of becoming bitter and angry.

How often are we kinder to friends and even strangers than we are to our spouses or children? I'm in no way saying we should not reach out to others - the poor, the less fortunate, the people Jesus commanded us to take care of. He talks about caring for the poor and widows over and over in Scripture. Obviously, this is very important stuff. But does it have to be to the exclusion of those closest to us? Does it mean we neglect our own family in the process? What does it mean when a person does good things for the needy but leaves his own family wondering if they mattered to him?

As I heard story after story of how this man cared for people he barely knew, I couldn't help but wonder, 'So why didn't you care about me? Was I not important to you? *Why* was *I* not important to you?' Selfish, I know. But that's what I was thinking. It hurt. It felt like a slap in the face. I felt cheated.

Those kinds of questions don't ever really end up in a good place. I realize that dwelling on them doesn't do much good. There's no way I can answer them now that he is gone. I'm sure I did matter to him - he just didn't feel the need or see the importance of showing it. And I never felt it. I'm sure he did the best he could in the situation he was in.

I'm sure there are varying reasons for his lack of interest in my life. It probably wasn't intentional. But one thing I know - after I'm gone (or even while I'm still here) I don't want those around me wondering if they mattered to me. I want them to KNOW they did. I want to tell them, I want to show them. I don't want to leave any doubts.

Are we always going to do the right thing? Probably not. Are we always going to even know what to do or say? No. Will we make mistakes? Yes. Will we be misunderstood? Maybe. Dealing with family and family dysfunction can be more than slightly difficult. But I would much rather be the one who at least makes the effort. I don't want to be guilty of sitting in my safe little world. Doing nothing. Thinking I'm being neutral. Or so scared of making mistakes or looking foolish that I do nothing. Because the truth is, when it comes to family, there *is* no such thing as being neutral. We WILL have an influence. We can choose to make a little effort so it will be a positive influence. Or we can choose to make very little to no effort and have a negative impact. As with most things in life, we DO have a choice.

I do not want to contribute to the pattern of indifference, neglect and isolation in our family, so I choose to sometimes do the harder thing, the inconvenient thing. It may mean risking rejection at times. Not everyone responds when we reach out. But at least they will know I cared enough to try.

General Rant on Parenting and Other Frustrations

2012-01-23T11:13:00.000-08:00

Ok, so today is one of those days I woke up and don't feel like "doing" life. I don't feel like being a parent. I realize it's a huge privilege and honor and that there are many people who would kill to be a parent. But there are just days that I am so overwhelmed, I don't even want to figure out what to have for dinner, much less actually prepare it.

Don't get me wrong. I am grateful to have such sweet, adorable kids. But some days I'm just not up for it. Not up for the responsibility. Not up for the decisions. Not up for the tiredness. Not up for being an example to two impressionable children when all I really want to do is scream. When my child has disobeyed me for the 50th time that day or has come out of his room 10 times to tell me that the air is too loud or that our one light is too bright for him to sleep and the baby is crying on top of it, I just want to run screaming to the hills.

I'm tired of wanting to be a better parent and feeling like I'm failing again and again, despite my good intentions. Despite my desire to not repeat patterns of yelling and controlling. I'm tired of the house being a mess. Everywhere I look. There's not one clean space. The kitchen is full of dirty dishes. The counters are cluttered. Elias' room is messy. Even the baby/computer room is not neat. And our room? I just shut my eyes as I walk through so I don't have to see it.

I'm tired of being behind on the laundry. I'm tired of feeling like I am never getting anything done. I'm supposed to tame all this chaos and still maintain a good attitude and have fun and enjoy my children. I don't want them to look back and think Mom was always stressed and/or mad. I want them to look back on childhood with fondness.

So what do I do? What's the answer? Is there an answer? I guess the key is keeping calm and controlling myself in the midst of the madness. It reminds me of a poem I once memorized. I never liked poetry, mainly because I didn't "get" it. But this one I remember. "If you can keep your head when all about you....are losing theirs and blaming it on you....If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you....and make allowance for their doubting too..." I don't remember the rest. But the point is that I have to choose to be happy and have fun. In the mess. Right smack in the middle of it all. Because if I wait until the laundry's done, the house is clean, the bills are all paid (oops!), I'm well-rested and all is peaceful, it will NEVER happen. When NOTHING is the way I want it, I still have a choice to make.

I guess that's where prayer and trust come in. And maybe that's the point of it all. To make me realize I am NOT up to the task. Not in my own strength. Maybe I'm supposed to come to the end of myself and depend on God. You know, I think that *is* the point. "Rejoice in the Lord always." Hm.. How else can we do that unless we are relying on Him? If we wait for perfect circumstances or even mildly okay ones, we won't be doing much rejoicing. Maybe that's the key to handling my Star-Wars-question-asking, fish food-eating, non-sleeping ten-year-old, screaming baby, messy house and never-ending mountain of laundry. A healthy dose of humor might not hurt either. My son told me this morning that he ate some of the fish food just because he wanted to know what it tasted like. I had to laugh. So maybe *that* had something to do with throwing up last night? It never ends......

Mid-January Update

2012-01-18T18:22:00.000-08:00

Ok, so it's halfway through the first month of my resolutions. How am I doing? Well, not too hot. But I'm retooling and adjusting. I'm not quitting and I think that's kind of the point of resolutions. I don't think it's as important that we perfectly keep every one and have all these check marks. Or beat ourselves up if we miss a day of keeping a resolution. I think the point is more that we keep moving ourselves in the general direction of our goals. And that setting goals, working toward them and sometimes recalibrating them - it's the journey, the process that develops our character and makes us better people.

So the grace is starting early. I'm realizing that caring for a baby and my other mom and housekeeping duties are a lot and maybe I bit off a little too much. Textbroker has had lousy articles lately, so I'm dropping that one. For some reason, I feel like I should be working on my novel, even though I have no idea where I'm really going with it and am overwhelmed. So I'm keeping that one. And writing this blog is way too much fun to give that one up. Plus, my grandfather on Dad's side passed away and surprisingly, it is bringing up lots of emotions and I've been writing a lot. Writing is like therapy for me sometimes. I guess it's cheaper than paying for it. So that's where I stand. And with this entry, I have now kept at least one of my goals - to write two blog entries this month. Woo hoo.

New Year's Resolutions

2012-01-02T12:00:00.000-08:00

New Year's. Fresh starts. Beginnings. Time for contemplating, taking stock. What are our goals? What are we doing with our lives? What qualities do we want to develop? Let's see. I want to be a better mom. Start exercising. Write more. Keep a cleaner house. Make $100,000 this year. (ok, I had to give it a shot. Don't they say that writing your goals down increases the likelihood that you'll meet them? :-) ) It can quickly get overwhelming, and I easily get caught up in the works game and in trying to change myself all on my own. Often we crash and burn. And then we resolve never to make resolutions again.

But I think that evaluating our lives, setting goals and starting over are useful exercises. Even if we fail, it's still better than floating along passively. If we never look at the direction we are heading in, we are destined to end up nowhere. I think the problems with resolutions come when we rely on our own abilities and efforts to improve ourselves and leave God out of the process. Actually, I think God should be steering the whole process to begin with; we should just be along for the ride, going wherever He guides us. Easier said than done, I know.

So, yes, I'm setting some goals, resolutions, whatever you want to call them. But I'll be flexible and hold onto my goals loosely, knowing I may have to adjust frequently. And offer myself grace when I fail frequently as well. And writing this is a first step. One of my resolutions is to get this blog going again. So there. What are my others? Well, I'm setting a few goals each month. For January, I also want to write 5 articles for an online writing site I like, write at least 15 pages on my novel and spend 15 minutes daily meditating on Scripture and filling my mind with good, positive thoughts. Will all of this be by the wayside by March? Stay tuned. We'll both find out.

My First (and Last?) Day

2010-01-13T15:21:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I had my first day of substitute teaching on Monday. I was so traumatized that it took me a couple of days to actually talk/write about it. It didn't go very well. At least I didn't think so. Nothing horrid happened. I just felt completely inadequate and unsure of what I was doing the whole day. That was quite honestly the longest 6 hours of my life! The only way I got through it was deciding early on (not sure what time, maybe 9:30 or 10:00 am) that I probably would not be coming back and so all I had to do was to get through the day. Seriously. Then I'd call the employment agency and tell them thanks, but no thanks.

The kids were wild. I couldn't control them. And there wasn't one minute that I actually was sure of what I was doing. I did like interacting with some of them - one on one or in small groups. On an individual basis, they're delightful. But trying to manage an entire class of 2nd graders! Made me want to run screaming back to an office job.

I came home and cried. And cried. And cried. I was heartbroken. I failed. Miserably. And not just that. I had thought that maybe, just maybe, God was calling me to teach. That maybe this was my purpose, my calling. I so like the elementary-school age and their enthusiasm for life. Maybe I was supposed to be a part of that, I thought. Silly me. Who was I to think I could take a risk and succeed? Me, non-risk-taking Cheryl. What was I thinking??

Well, after a couple of days to think about it and get advice from hubby, I have decided to give it another shot. It really isn't fair to judge a job by one day. And one very chaotic day at that. I'm still disappointed. And scared. But I can't quit after one day. I do need to give it another chance at least. So I'm gonna try again. I must be crazy! And yeah, many days I really believe that I am. No kidding. There is a bit of mental illness in the family after all. But at least I'll know. At least when I'm 80 I won't have to wonder if I should have tried teaching. So if I'm going to fail, I'm going to fail. I'm going to embrace the failure and know that at least that's one occupation I can check off my list of possibilities. And then I can move forward with the next thing......Whatever that is...

Fear

2009-12-27T12:44:00.000-08:00

Well, this week was Christmas and we had a nice time. We stayed here in Indiana, so it was relatively relaxing - that part of it anyway. We made pumpkin pancakes and had sausage and eggs for dinner last night, and it's nice for Ken to have some time off. We got the movie Up and it's such a cute movie with a good message. The message: you can't get so tied up in what you've lost that you miss out on what's in front of you. A message I probably need. We're going through a lot of changes, and as I read the other day "When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us." - Helen Keller
Pretty appropriate. But I am totally scared to death right now. Found out that I will be substitute teaching once the holidays are over. And honestly...I AM PETRIFIED. I'm worried about finding a full-time job and overwhelmed with those prospects. And in *theory*, substitute teaching elementary school kids seems like a good idea in the meantime. But when it comes down to actually going in there and doing it, I'm scared to death. Going in to different schools that I am unfamiliar with, not to mention finding the schools themselves, and managing 20 kids at a time with no formal training, ugh! I'm wondering if I can really do it. Then there's the task of teaching from different curricula when, again, I have no teaching background...Oh, the more I think about it, the more I feel sick.

BUT, with all of that said, I don't want to look back when I'm 80 and wish I'd have tried something different. Just to see if I might have liked it. Or taken a chance. A risk. Whatever. In a year, five years, ten years from now it won't be a big deal. Whether it ends up being something that works out or whether I fall flat on my face. So I'm trying to look at it from that point of view and take it one day at a time and not get too overwhelmed by preparing a little at a time.

I'm just scared. But trying to trust that God will be with me. Whatever happens. Can't wait to look back on this at this time next year and see how it turned out.......

The Search for a Church

2009-12-18T08:38:00.000-08:00

So we've run the gamut of churches up here in southern Indiana and are getting a little (well, honestly more than a little) frustrated at not being able to find one. We've been to everything from a beautiful old Episcopal church to a kind of creepy "Word of Faith" church to the rock concert-y megachurch to the very traditional Presbyterian church where they still sing hymns and the average age is about 60. We started by visiting several of the popular mega-churches around.

Church #1 - just too big. Feels like an amphitheatre. Also, their contemporary music is a little too rock concert-y for us. More like a big production than a worship experience sometimes. Almost need binoculars to see the stage. Did have to give them credit for good sermons, though.
Second big mega-church - it's so big that it's actually an offshoot of a GINORMOUS church in Louisville. This one I didn't mind, but hubby didn't like because they don't have a live person doing the message/sermon. It's televised from the GINORMOUS church in Louisville via satellite. Hubby's comment: "If I want to watch television, I can stay home and do that." Can't argue with that.

Okay. Enough with the mega-churches. So we decide to try some others. We try to find this one Presbyterian church that sounds promising and, being new to the area and having problems with our Mapquest printout, totally can't find it. No problem. We'll just pop into whatever church we *can* find which happens to be a beautiful old Episcopal church. Only problem was we got there with about 15 minutes left. Apparently the service had started at 10:00 am. Oops!

All right. Trying again. Next Sunday. We find that Presbyterian church that were unable to find before. Well, this one's *too* traditional. Not many people our age. Hymns. Kind of boring. It was just okay.

Next, we find one that sounds interesting. What we didn't know is that it was one of those Word of Faith churches. "Just give me all your money and God will bless you". Oh my. That was the basic gist. Felt like one of those televangelist churches from tv. That one was out. Hubby actually had a visceral reaction to this one. Was creeped out. So that was the end of that one.

Baptist churches are out because of the whole women not being allowed to lead thing, so we try another Presbyterian church, trying not to get our hopes up. Well, the people seemed nice, but the average age of the congregation members, in my estimation was about 60 and I was half falling asleep during the hymns.

Why are churches here either rockin' productions or so traditional that you're falling asleep??? Where's the in-between? Where are the churches that have both young families with children and older people, that incorporate both hymns and contemporary praise songs? And what happened to Sunday School?

Actually we did find one church that we both liked. Smaller but does have contemporary music without being rock bandish and a very down-to-earth, raw, unpretentious pastor. Unlike any church we've ever attended. But wouldn't you know it - it's half an hour away! We've tried to make it work, but it's just too far for us to get as involved as we'd like. sigh.....oh well, we'll keep looking...

F's and chocolate ice cream stains

2009-09-23T16:47:00.000-07:00

Yes, I had another meltdown today. What is it with me - am I a toddler? It all started when....who am i kidding? Whose bright idea was it to give my 7-year-old boy who was wearing a white dress shirt at the time (their dress code, NOT mine!) a chocolate ice cream right as he is getting ready to get in my car to go home for the day? On what planet is that a good idea??

The kid gets in the car, I pull over to the parking lot to strap him in, and he wants to show me what he got. He's got a half-melted chocolate ice cream in his hand. That's when the rage crept up. What in the world am I supposed to do with this? I don't have a trash can (or friggin' wet bar) in my car. I want to just dump it on the ground, but said son is crying for it as it was a reward for his summer reading program participation. So I guess I need to let him eat it?? He gets out of car and proceeds to drip the chocolate ice cream all over his white dress shirt and one and only pair of tennis shoes. UGH!! I'm so furious, I don't know what to do. I understand it was good intentions and all, but seriously, WHERE IS THE COMMON SENSE??? Common sense, people, common sense! If you want to give my kid a reward, that's wonderful. Delightful. Just not an ice cream when it's 85 degrees outside and you're handing him over to me. In my car. Don't even get me started on the dress code that requires him to dress up on Wednesdays!!! That's another matter entirely!!

So this is the state of mind I'm in when I find out he got an F on a worksheet he did. Now my kid is smart. I'm sorry, I know I'm biased, but he is smart. Darn smart. Gonna leave me in the dust in oh, about a year and a half or so. Then I'll just smile and nod and pretend I understand what he's saying after that because I'll have no clue. Seriously. He's 7.

So anyway, bad grades freak me out. I realize this is my issue, not his. I was a perfectionist from the time I was a kid his age, and a D or F really freaks me out. He knows it's not good, but he's not that upset by it. Which is probably a good thing. But I'm upset. Especially since this isn't his first bad grade since we moved. He's gotten several others on similar worksheets. I'm threatening all kinds of stuff. "You won't be playing with friends. You're gonna lose this, that and the other. You won't be doing *anything* until you stop bringing home D's and F's!" Not pretty. I'm not proud of myself. I had an all-out meltdown.

So what was the outcome? Well, I figured it out. I am a toddler. Apparently I needed a time-out. I was feeling semi-psychotic, so I went and laid down and told him he needed to study for awhile while I did so. After he calmed down and I did too, I rested for a few minutes. What do you know? After a half hour or so, I got up and felt calm. A time out for adults. huh.....Seemed to help. After a little sanity returned, I sat down with him and let him show me the other (non-melting) rewards he got for his reading program. He was proud of them. I felt bad for having a meltdown earlier over everything. I decided we'll ask his teacher if there's any way he can practice the things he's struggling with on our own. And I'm not gonna freak out and assume that because he got another F that he'll never get into college or get a decent job or..... (Cuz don't ya know that's where my mind goes!? "His life will be ruined forever!!" picture me with hand to forehead)

So that was my lovely afternoon. I'm all better now. But who knows what horrors lurk around the corner with these 40-something hormones that are raging all the time! DUH DUH DUHHHHHH!

2009-08-20T10:14:00.001-07:00

Things are going better now that we've sort of gotten into a routine. School has started back, so there's a little more sanity and structure to the days. Of course that means now I must start the dreaded and overwhelming task of resume-writing and job-hunting. Can we say procrastination? Actually, I'm trying not to by forcing myself to work for a few minutes every day on my resume. I've made some progress, but probably not as much as I should.
I'm just so easily overwhelmed and intimidated, it's not funny. Especially when I"m not even sure what I want to do. For right now I'm going with the responsible, money thing. Sigh...the story of my life. There's too much pressure on hubby being the only breadwinner, and that's not fair to him. I still think I might like to teach, but we'll just have to see about that...I don't know...Meantime, I can still write on the side. And I have been. So there ya go.

I've lost count again....

2009-07-03T08:23:00.000-07:00

Ugh! We're having too many bad days now. It's not fun. The kid is not sleeping well; thus he's very fussy and easily frustrated. I'm listening to him fuss about having to write two sentences for his writing assignment. Good gracious. He's smart as crap. But the downside of that is that if something doesn't just come to him easily, he throws up his hands and gives up and says he can't do it. Doesn't even try. Drives me crazy. Absolutely crazy. We need help with his insomnia. Big time.

Day 13 of the Move

2009-06-29T18:18:00.000-07:00

Today was much better than yesterday, thank goodness. Played in the sprinkler, shot each other with water weapons, had our own little summer camp thing a la Flylady, unpacked some more boxes. It was much more sane today. And not so hot either. Maybe we can all get some decent sleep tonight after last night's fiasco. Man, I never knew a 7-year-old could have such insomnia!!

Day 12

2009-06-28T17:14:00.000-07:00

Today has been awful. No other word for it. We're all irritable. Bored. Frustrated. Tired. Everyone is just ill with each other. No one was happy today. We need some structure, something. Ugh. I hope tomorrow's better. I hate days like this. It's been the worst one yet. Blech!

Moving: Day 11?

2009-06-27T14:28:00.000-07:00

The good news is that I've emptied all the kitchen boxes. The bad news is I'm tired of wearing the same clothes because I haven't had time to unpack bedroom boxes. At least we have our washer and dryer hooked up. Overall, it's going better. We're very slowly but surely getting settled in. Had a couple of days where we didn't unpack much and that helps with the sanity factor. Got out and found the public library and his school library, so we've got lots of books. (Really just another distraction to prevent me from unpacking, but that's okay.) We've found the all-important Target and Walmart and such. As well as some great places to eat. This is a pretty cool place we've moved to, I've gotta say.

Moving: Day I-don't-even-know-what

2009-06-22T19:14:00.000-07:00

Well, this is Day 6? of our move. I don't even know. It's been six days since we got our furniture, so that's what I'm counting from. Moving sucks. How many times have we lost something in the last week? Lots. Usually it's little things, but the other day we thought we lost my social security card. Lovely. Then there was the night I was going to make a real actual meal for dinner for the first time in our new home and couldn't find the dish to make it in. So we had sandwiches. Again. Or the time I was all ready for an omelet and had everything except a spatula. No omelet that night. The most fun had to be the day we got our furniture. We had been 5 or 6 days without most of our stuff and we finally got it. Then our air went out in the new house and it was about 90 degrees outside. Not the type of thing you want when you're unpacking and already tired and irritated as it is. And it wasn't like we could even open the windows because we had no screens yet! That was helpful. Seriously, though, between having no air, the mold in the basement, radon in the water *and* air, our house is basically a deathtrap. But hey, it's pretty! Today wasn't quite as bad. I only had to wait around until 4:00 pm for the guys to come look at the dishwasher and air conditioning and unpacked, I don't know, 3 or 4 boxes of crap I don't know where to put. Oh, the high point of the day was finding hubby's cell phone charger (yes, we had lost that too). So at least there's that. And I actually made a meal that I had all of the ingredients and utensils for, so I guess that's progress. Of course the day ended with my 7-year-old having a meltdown followed closely behind by me having one of my own. I'll let you know how tomorrow goes.......